BewhY - Forever

I'll only draw the things that I want in my head.

提醒自己别太贪心

贪 - 是人类从原始人到现代人都拥有的一种恶习，或是性质，我们甚至可以大胆的说“不贪就不是人类”

我认为“贪”可以被分为三大种（我说的，科科）

钱财；物质 (Money; Possession)
钱，我相信世界上是没有任何人会嫌钱多的（有的话记得通知我）
贪钱也是从人类懂得交易开始就流传到现在
请注意，我不是在说我自己很清高
只是自从出来社会工作以及打滚之后发现其实
贪钱的人不一定是穷人 和 不贪钱的人也不一定是有钱人
此话何解？
贪念和现况是扯不上任何关系的
贪就是不管现在有还是没有，只求要得到更多
没有最富有，只有更富有
但是，我们不可以排除，一个人对钱财的贪念是会被他的生活经验和情况影响
总之，千万别因为贪钱而失去更多就行了

名声；声望 (Fame; Prestige)
底线是一样的，就是没有最红，只有更红
如果达不到真正的名声，没关系，向多姿多彩的网络出发吧
我们可以说这是现代互联网发展的节奏造成大部分的人们会很在乎几个“赞”和几位“追随者”
有一些甚至严重到“没有过几个赞的话会要删除照片或是帖子。
坦白说，我自己是几年前才得知原来 Jane Chuck 那么红 （对不起，我知错了），而且还是我国的 “潮流教主”（又在知错了），我还听过她被一些人标签为“潮流引领者”（极度知错了）
当然我不是在数落她，她有今天的成就一定会有原因，所以我用她来举例的确是有一些不对
但是网络世界那么大，很多人看见了当然会感到想向她看齐，变成了“网红年代”的开始
不过这些对我们没什么直接的影响，只是多了几个户口来跟随而已（我常常说的“欣赏肉体”）正在向着这方面努力的朋友们，加油吧！

情欲；感情 (Lust; Affection)
其实 “情欲” 和 “贪念” 在 “七情六欲” 里是被分开的
但是我觉得这两“位“是息息相关，是分不开的
这一种贪会比较另类，也比较难解释
它可以是最基本的男人们女人们之间彼此身理的欲望（性欲）；也可以是人们对自己心灵上的欲望
最基本的身理欲望不用我解释了吧，网上随便输入生殖器官的名称就可以搜索到一大堆“人体与爱情研究纪录片”
这些纪录片的存在就是为了满足人们的性欲
我反而觉得比较难搞的是人们寻找心灵上的寄托时的欲望
寻求别人给于关心和注意
就如一些人形容 “没有人不希望自己没有人追求的”
就算自己已经有了另一半，还是会希望自己有备胎男或是备胎女
轻则暧昧逢场作戏，重则出轨鬼混


我们离开不了贪念
有时我会觉得连出家众也会贪心想要快点得到佛教精髓，早日悟道
包括我自己，我也是人
我对某一些事情会很执着，会很贪心
但是我觉得有的时候我们真的必须提醒自己不可以太贪心
不是因为害怕失去
而是因为在贪心的过程中会让自己觉得很煎熬，心理不平衡




平常心，就像说要找炮友一样，
说起来很容易的说，
做起来很不容易的说。

A letter to my beloved Friday

Last 7 days was a short, memorable, and a painful journey for me.

Tuesday was the day i found you crying for attention inside my house, which i have no idea how you would have ended up there.

Honestly, i didn't know what to do at that point.

i have never faced a situation like this before, i felt really bad for you, really bad.

You were so tiny, helpless, and your eyes were barely opened.

This is the first time i asked for god's help.

3.00am on Friday, 19/8/2016 i heard you crying again in the middle of the night after shifting you back into the house. 

What we chinese believe is that we could ask the Superior Forces (god) questions by throwing 2 identical coins. I took two 50 cents coins and i asked Ji Gong whether i should foster you, a tail and a head i would get if i should, and that was the result that i've got. Hence, i named you Friday. It was the day that i finally decided to foster you.

I started reading online articles about kittens, see what kind of food that i should be feeding you, how long you take to grow as an adult cat. Knowing everything about kitten made me feel that i wanted to raise you up even more. I went to a pet store, bought your food and feeding bottle, it was tiring, but at the same time it was really contented for me, i have never felt this kind of contented before.

My brother's friend, Dr Saw, is a vet, i ended up driving all the way to permatang pauh just to make sure that i'm consulting a vet that is trustworthy enough, because i didn't know how to feed you properly. Dr Saw took a close look at you, telling me that you are a very strong little one, and demonstrated the proper way of feeding a 2 weeks old kitten, and he taught me about keeping you warm with cloth and not to overfeed you, how to induce you to urinate and defecate.

I was confident that i could give you a completely different life, i was really delighted to hear that, in other words, i was READY to welcome you into my life. I believed that we could make it. I shared about adopting you to my friends and family, they were all ready to welcome you as well!

Everything was fine at first, i tried my best to feed you as frequent as possible. I forced myself to stay awake longer just to make sure that you were not starving, i woke up earlier that i would normally do just to make sure that you were okay. Even my grandma was teasing me about waking up before 9am. Like i said, it was really tiring, but seeing you sleeping soundly before i sleep was really satisfying,

The funniest part was the moment when you finally pooped. i was truly delighted to see you poop properly, and your stool was as what Dr Saw described.

But things went wrong on Sunday afternoon, i saw dark colour stains in the box that i kept you in.

The stains were already dried up, but i could see reddish mucus in your stool after i fed you that evening. I took some photos and showed Dr Saw, he couldnt really identify it at first, due to the red colour pigment wasnt obvious in the photo. I did some research online, and the result showed that it was a parasitic infection - Hookworms.

Monday in the morning, i woke up early to see how you are doing, you were quite active at first, but your stool was obviously bloody. I sent Dr Saw a photo again, he asked me to bring you to a vet for deworming. I drove you to Pava Animal Clinic to see Dr Trishul, he didnt encourage me to proceed with deworming for you at this young age. I showed him the sample of your stool and he finally decided to feed you with a small dosage of deworming agent. Parasitic infections are generally common for cats and dogs, but Dr Trishul further explained that you were too young, any infections could be lethal to you because you did not have enough of your mother's milk, you are not really strong enough to stay alone yet. Dr Trishul further encouraged me to keep it up, at the same time reminding me that i am not a mother cat, there was too much for me to handle a 2 week kitten like you.

I went home and i feed you like few days ago, this time i was even more careful, i came back immediately after finishing off my work. I was worried because i felt that you were not okay, your gums were pale, your crying noise were getting softer, i was just hoping that it was due to the fight against the hookworms. You shook your head for a few times, i remembered reading about ear mites, but i remembered that Dr Trishul mentioned that you were too young, the mortality for kittens under 8 weeks is undeniably high as you had very low immunity. At 12am 23/8/2016, that was the final moment between us when i last fed you. you defecated, your stools were alot different, it was like a mixture of many things. I thought that it was a good sign as you were eliminating the worms inside you. Went out to meet my friend outside after i cleaned your box and place you back to sleep. You were quite okay at that time, even after i finished meeting up with my friend, you were sleeping soundly.

Unfortunately, when i woke up and i check on you on 8.35am this morning i lost you. You didnt make any noise when i move your box. You lied there solidly as i gently shook the box. I noticed that you were gone when your body was icy cold. I quietly dug a hole behind the backyard and buried you. Trust me, the worst moment had just begun, i began to blame myself.

I should have brought you into my room.
I should have dried the cloth that i washed and put it back into your box.
I should have put more newspaper shreds and warmer.
I should have set alarms and feed you throughout the night.

I felt that it was my fault that you had to leave.
At one sec i blamed Ji Gong, why would You make me suffer this type of loss.
I even questioned myself whether i really did all that i could have done, whether i was really trying my best.

This is the first time that i felt so sad to the extend that i shed tears for an animal.
People may think that it was only for a week, nothing to be sad about,

Of course i know that i am not a mother cat, i know that you are too young to survive this rough environment, and i know that it was just a week, but an article about pet's death that i have just finished reading says "The level of grief depends on factors such as your age and personality, the age of your pet, and the circumstances of their death. Generally, the more significant the loss, the more intense the grief you’ll feel." 

The page also suggested that writing could be a way of expressing the sadness within. So i decided to write this letter to you.

I am sorry, Friday. I am really sorry.
I am sorry that I couldn't give you a new life like i thought i would be able to do so.

Thinking back, i now understand the feeling of the lady who was crying with her dog when i entered Dr Saw's clinic. It is indeed, really heartbreaking.

If you could, please forgive me and remember me as I will not forget the very first moment when i saw you my tiny little fur ball.
You are the only cat that i have loved up til now.

Good bye Friday, I couldn't love you more, it takes time, but I'll have to let go and move on.

I'm already missing you making noise. =')

It is indeed a unique experience.

Knowing how important an animal could be, to the extend that its death did actually break my heart.

I think that this is part of growing up too.

We should really learn how to appreciate things that we have or people that are around us, because who knows one day we might suddenly lose them?

I will surely adopt one again in the future, when i am ready.

You will never be forgotten.

Worthy, are we?

Is it really worth trying this hard?

Have you guys ever wondered whether are we worthy when we are trying to do something really hard?

Hitting sales targets

pleasing our bosses

pleasing our colleagues

pleasing anyone that you feel that "maybe i should make them happy"

Seriously guys,

This is from another perspective

We may be trying so hard to become what they want us to be

Tears, blood shed

and yet

















We are STILL not worthy.

最近

近况

多么神秘的一个领域

前几天和几位老友聚会

没想到躺着也会中枪

竟然说我春风满面

我说

你们都把我看得太好了

“在一起了？”

没有没有，我根本是一个可怜又缺乏爱的一个面临30岁的男人

没什么春不春风，满不满面的

老实说

我不觉得自己做的不够好

可能她想要的不是我能给的

等一下

其实想了一下，我什么都没有做到啊

只是付出了所谓的真心

而令我最心痛的就是

让我觉得最卑微的的，竟然是付出真心

Davichi - This Love （太阳的后裔 OST）

大家近况如何

可以光明正大的问候

如今变成了最奢侈的一个愿望

那熟悉的声音

好久没听见

那熟悉的声音

虽然有时有点刺耳

有点烦

有点唠叨

但你始终都是为了我们好


你离开我们已有四年了

有些习惯还是不能习惯

你打扫时候的发火

你睡觉时候的呼吸声


回家时

看着那空荡荡的藤椅

难免有些伤感

为何正当我们要展翅高飞的时候

你就离开了地球表面

为何病魔那么不通融，不留情

说要带你走就带你走

你还在的时候我没对你不好

但是也称不上是个孝子

你没得和我们庆祝佳节是我目前最大的遗憾


你最喜欢的歌

还记得妈妈当时告诉我

“现在拜神不求荣华富贵，
只求身体健康，
癌细胞想要住在我身体里的话，
就要乖乖让我活下去。”

你快乐吗？

其实很想问候

怕成为了敷衍

你最近快乐吗？？

有定时吃饭没吗？

最近迷上了 Zion T

感觉他的歌声里带有灵魂

不妨听一听，歌词其实很有意思






最原始，最纯洁，最直接的想念就是
“吃饱了吗？在做些什么？”