Confession

This is merely a confession post of mine.
Supposed to be a private post, but it's okay, i've got my balls 21 years ago, anyway nobody cares to view, just a place for me to release my inner sins.

I found out that i'm actually a very sinful person.

No matter how much i tried to avoid, it's difficult to prevent my mind from being so ignorant.

Anybody knows this kind of feeling?
When you know that you are supposed to to do something, but somehow you just don't feel like doing it.

Am i getting more childish and older at the same time? This is so ironic, people thought that i went into the society earlier than others, which is a good thing (it is), but what i feel is that i'm not doing the same thing like others. It's not that i feel diffident for not being a university student. It's just like people you around are walking, but you are jogging alone.

Seriously, i know about the job, i know about that so called statement saying "activity is the path to success in the insurance industry". i am certain that i KNEW IT, but i just can't do it. Take away the desktop, take away my phone, They are not any of the distractions.

Truthfully, i think that i am the problem itself. I don't possess any sign of discipline, ever since i was in primary school. My mother tried every ways to motivate me, even bribery style. Imagine if i was that type of person who will do anything to reach my target, i would have own lots of toys and gadgets, but look at me! Do i look like someone who will go all out to reach my targets and dreams? Seriously, i don't think so.

There were some nights that i can't sleep. The reason i fell asleep in the end was because i got really tired watching those "thoughts" flowing through my mind while i was awake.

Is this what Life is all about? We study in order to become competitive, we became competitive in order to survive in the society, and we fought with each other in order to become so-called successful?

I'm not sure. I need time to understand the whole meaning of "A Better Life"