Tuesday, 23 August 2016

A letter to my beloved Friday

Last 7 days was a short, memorable, and a painful journey for me.

Tuesday was the day i found you crying for attention inside my house, which i have no idea how you would have ended up there.
Honestly, i didn't know what to do at that point.
i have never faced a situation like this before, i felt really bad for you, really bad.

You were so tiny, helpless, and your eyes were barely opened.

This is the first time i asked for god's help.
3.00am on Friday, 19/8/2016 i heard you crying again in the middle of the night after shifting you back into the house. 

What we chinese believe is that we could ask the Superior Forces (god) questions by throwing 2 identical coins. I took two 50 cents coins and i asked Ji Gong whether i should foster you, a tail and a head i would get if i should, and that was the result that i've got. Hence, i named you Friday. It was the day that i finally decided to foster you.

I started reading online articles about kittens, see what kind of food that i should be feeding you, how long you take to grow as an adult cat. Knowing everything about kitten made me feel that i wanted to raise you up even more. I went to a pet store, bought your food and feeding bottle, it was tiring, but at the same time it was really contented for me, i have never felt this kind of contented before.

My brother's friend, Dr Saw, is a vet, i ended up driving all the way to permatang pauh just to make sure that i'm consulting a vet that is trustworthy enough, because i didn't know how to feed you properly. Dr Saw took a close look at you, telling me that you are a very strong little one, and demonstrated the proper way of feeding a 2 weeks old kitten, and he taught me about keeping you warm with cloth and not to overfeed you, how to induce you to urinate and defecate.

I was confident that i could give you a completely different life, i was really delighted to hear that, in other words, i was READY to welcome you into my life. I believed that we could make it. I shared about adopting you to my friends and family, they were all ready to welcome you as well!

Everything was fine at first, i tried my best to feed you as frequent as possible. I forced myself to stay awake longer just to make sure that you were not starving, i woke up earlier that i would normally do just to make sure that you were okay. Even my grandma was teasing me about waking up before 9am. Like i said, it was really tiring, but seeing you sleeping soundly before i sleep was really satisfying,
The funniest part was the moment when you finally pooped. i was truly delighted to see you poop properly, and your stool was as what Dr Saw described.

But things went wrong on Sunday afternoon, i saw dark colour stains in the box that i kept you in.
The stains were already dried up, but i could see reddish mucus in your stool after i fed you that evening. I took some photos and showed Dr Saw, he couldnt really identify it at first, due to the red colour pigment wasnt obvious in the photo. I did some research online, and the result showed that it was a parasitic infection - Hookworms.

Monday in the morning, i woke up early to see how you are doing, you were quite active at first, but your stool was obviously bloody. I sent Dr Saw a photo again, he asked me to bring you to a vet for deworming. I drove you to Pava Animal Clinic to see Dr Trishul, he didnt encourage me to proceed with deworming for you at this young age. I showed him the sample of your stool and he finally decided to feed you with a small dosage of deworming agent. Parasitic infections are generally common for cats and dogs, but Dr Trishul further explained that you were too young, any infections could be lethal to you because you did not have enough of your mother's milk, you are not really strong enough to stay alone yet. Dr Trishul further encouraged me to keep it up, at the same time reminding me that i am not a mother cat, there was too much for me to handle a 2 week kitten like you.

I went home and i feed you like few days ago, this time i was even more careful, i came back immediately after finishing off my work. I was worried because i felt that you were not okay, your gums were pale, your crying noise were getting softer, i was just hoping that it was due to the fight against the hookworms. You shook your head for a few times, i remembered reading about ear mites, but i remembered that Dr Trishul mentioned that you were too young, the mortality for kittens under 8 weeks is undeniably high as you had very low immunity. At 12am 23/8/2016, that was the final moment between us when i last fed you. you defecated, your stools were alot different, it was like a mixture of many things. I thought that it was a good sign as you were eliminating the worms inside you. Went out to meet my friend outside after i cleaned your box and place you back to sleep. You were quite okay at that time, even after i finished meeting up with my friend, you were sleeping soundly.

Unfortunately, when i woke up and i check on you on 8.35am this morning i lost you. You didnt make any noise when i move your box. You lied there solidly as i gently shook the box. I noticed that you were gone when your body was icy cold. I quietly dug a hole behind the backyard and buried you. Trust me, the worst moment had just begun, i began to blame myself.

I should have brought you into my room.
I should have dried the cloth that i washed and put it back into your box.
I should have put more newspaper shreds and warmer.
I should have set alarms and feed you throughout the night.

I felt that it was my fault that you had to leave.
At one sec i blamed Ji Gong, why would You make me suffer this type of loss.
I even questioned myself whether i really did all that i could have done, whether i was really trying my best.

This is the first time that i felt so sad to the extend that i shed tears for an animal.
People may think that it was only for a week, nothing to be sad about,

Of course i know that i am not a mother cat, i know that you are too young to survive this rough environment, and i know that it was just a week, but an article about pet's death that i have just finished reading says "The level of grief depends on factors such as your age and personality, the age of your pet, and the circumstances of their death. Generally, the more significant the loss, the more intense the grief you’ll feel." 

The page also suggested that writing could be a way of expressing the sadness within. So i decided to write this letter to you.

I am sorry, Friday. I am really sorry.
I am sorry that I couldn't give you a new life like i thought i would be able to do so.

Thinking back, i now understand the feeling of the lady who was crying with her dog when i entered Dr Saw's clinic. It is indeed, really heartbreaking.

If you could, please forgive me and remember me as I will not forget the very first moment when i saw you my tiny little fur ball.
You are the only cat that i have loved up til now.

Good bye Friday, I couldn't love you more, it takes time, but I'll have to let go and move on.

I'm already missing you making noise. =')

It is indeed a unique experience.
Knowing how important an animal could be, to the extend that its death did actually break my heart.
I think that this is part of growing up too.
We should really learn how to appreciate things that we have or people that are around us, because who knows one day we might suddenly lose them?
I will surely adopt one again in the future, when i am ready.
You will never be forgotten.

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